Every Day Party Unveils Manifesto!

April 21, 2011

Gweek Culture is honoured to be the site chosen for the unveiling of the Every Day Party manifesto on 21 April 2011. This document has since been reproduced as its Facebook note. The party secretary-general Anonymous is the most prolific writer in history.

If you are not for us, it is OK!

THE EVERY DAY PARTY MANIFESTO

It has been said that Wisdom is the mother you didn’t know you had, and so, in this hour of our country’s profoundest need, I call out to Wisdom as a baby calls out to the nipple. On and on we have heard the debate rage over what kind of Parliament we really want, a Parliament where people argue in a small room before they sit down to debate or a Parliament where they argue in a big room after they sit down to debate. In the wake of the current gridlock over whether we want gridlocks — and I think, phrased in this way, it should be plain that the issue is pretty confusing, but don’t let me change the topic — I like to offer my own humble proposal here.

The answer seems so eminently obvious that it puzzles me why our current politicians even bother to look for froth elsewhere. Alcohol has been one of the great answers to insoluble problems faced by human civilisation — in fact, if I may express it more strongly, the greatest! This I say not as one prone to exaggeration under the influence (of greatness) but because I know: I know it to be true, that, as grapes grow on trees and rice can become beer, God wants us all to be happy. Alcohol has a long and spectacular history in helping countless forward-looking societies flourish as much as wane for thousands of years. It is the drink of gods and beggars alike; it is, as some wise poet enthuses, bottled poetry. It is the single discovery that has informed the development of all other schools of human knowledge, from cooking and politics to literature and the sciences. Mathematics itself prospered because drunks became bent on counting.

Once introduced in Parliament, alcohol will no doubt take root in the hearts and stomachs of our politicians quickly. This is to be desired and applauded because, when people drink, their minds are awoken and their passions inflamed; they remember how they should be speaking, who their allies are, and exactly what to blame for every ill and mistake. Alcohol clears the arteries in the head and aids in shaping extremely cogent and convincing arguments through lateral thinking; this is a truth I can verify with data from numerous drunks. In view of how our Parliament wishes now to evolve into something both effective and dynamic, one with as many diverse views as genuine convictions, this option must rank among the most obvious of its choices. There is simply no other known way at this point in history that can encourage the growth of oppositional voices, in a contained environment, without a valid Opposition, faster than drinking.

I must add that being intoxicated has more national advantages than I am able to explore in my present proposal; we may look into, for example, staggering Happy Hour to ease daily traffic congestion. It is worthwhile too to consider introducing alcohol into the classroom to aid language fluency since it has been noted, often in justifiable frenzy, that competence in a Second Language has been dipping, because of competence in a First Language. Without needing to change anything at all — which is always the best form of change — alcohol can be the perfect answer, seeing how, from the minute it takes effect, it frees the tongue and lets words roll off with the colours of the rainbow and the previous meal. People become painlessly fluent, gifted even in hearing and writing, sometimes manifesting talents in diverse folk performances such as Noh, Bollywood, and poco-poco dance.

Of course, one ought to be mindful in it all to acknowledge the concerns of our Moral Majority, for whom drinking remains a vice capable of destroying family life and work life, occasionally both. On this point, I ask that our trusted leaders refrain from needless worry but simply remember how they themselves have often chosen, in swift and decisive strokes, to place the vast spectrum of possible social gains in the cart before the horse. Indeed, the vice of gambling has not stopped our great leadership before from doing what ultimately serves the Common Good, from which we have since only been reaping untold happy benefits. So the more important value must lie in the implementation, not in the deliberation: we need to find ways to remind drunks to know the line and to prevent everyone else from enjoying too early in life or too much. My immediate thought here is to encourage intoxication stage by stage, so that only under very extreme situations of speech or argument impediment will a free flow of alcohol be permitted during public discourse.

All these modest thoughts of mine are but little seeds thrown into the wind of our collective retentive release to help us grow a far stronger society. I hope that, when Parliament is freer as a result not to have to bother with the practicalities of debating any issue at all, it may wish to give my next idea even quicker consideration. I am currently still working on the specifics but am wondering whether we can enlist prostitution to address the rise in divorce rates. This is yet another challenging idea, and feasibility tests are needed; for now, thank you immensely for your most valuable time.

Anonymous
Secretary-General
Every Day Party

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Join Every Day Party? Click here.

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One Response to “Every Day Party Unveils Manifesto!”

  1. jax Says:

    i’ll drink to this….


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